You see, I've always wanted to make movies. Actually, most of my memorable moments in life, especially related to my background and family, have been associated with movies. Even through my pre pubescent days, I would dream about being either a hero or a villain in a movie and would secretly, in my dark and twisted mind, make my very own brand of movies and call them 'my dreams'. Pretty twisted for a young kid.

If you fastly fast forward to today, much of that dream seems distant. I work to earn a living, I sleep to let my body heal, I eat to fill my stomach, I survive. But I'm still not living.

After many weeks of intense thought, I've realized that though I am multi-talented, I am incapable of multi-tasking. I could do no more than 2 things at a time. However painful it is to admit it, it's true. I work every day from 10 in the morning to almost 8 or 9 each day. Obviously, it's hard to focus on much else post this time. Though I've always been a night person, my job demands that my most productive time falls during the day. It has taken me 10 months to tweak my lifestyle accordingly and I've gotten somewhere with that. One of the side-effects of the tweaking, though, is that I hardly find time or even make the time to work on some of my older ideas or incomplete scripts. I don't even get to read much on cinema nowadays because...........just......


Now that the weak link has been established, let's look at the bright side. I'm not too keen on earning big and making it as a rich and famous person. I was born in a farmer's family, and I am absolutely okay with farming for the rest of my life, as long as I have conviction in what I'm doing. I plan to take off on a pilgrimage of sorts. I say pilgrimage because I intend to do more soul searching than have 'fun'. I need to pull out of the daily mayhem and ask myself and the world a few questions. I feel the need to progress through levels of existence, I do. I don't really know how clearly I understand these concepts, but I want to. I want to weed out the grossness of my existence and grow the saplings of my inner being. I do intend to get back home after that, and explore more movie-making, PR, etc. I really want to be me, the unabashed, brash and cocky movie-maker who sleeps days and works nights; drinks coffee for breakfast and tea for dinner.

Some of the things that I expect and even look forward to: Random people giving me pearls on how I should lead my life and me rebuking them outright. Folks going paranoid over a talented working boy who had finally realized his responsibilities as a good societal being suddenly going back to his nameless and aimless ways. GAAAAH!I LOVE BEING A REBEL!! :-)

There's a lot to be undone and done in the next six months or so.............

Random notes jotted down during my bus journey from Hyderabad to Gulbarga in March.  This was my first day journey in many years and I guess I needed all of it, the pouring rain desperately trying to wash the dust off of my mind.I treated this as an experiment to determine what I observe of the daily life while traveling.

2.00 PM - Bismillah Kalyani Hotel - Outskirts of Hyderabad City. The name has a weird conundrum to it; Later, I discovered that Bismillah Kalyani was a type of biriyani served in rural areas around here.

Khajah Kalyani Bar - Adjacent to Kalyani Hotel. A torrent of people were seen plying in and out of this 5 foot across joint at 2 in the afternoon!

2.45 PM - Pouring rain with water leaking into the 'air conditioned' bus through invisible holes on the roof.

2.46 PM - A couple of kids in the adjacent seat squeezing against each other to get more butt-space on the seat.

2.46 PM - One of them giggles, noticing my by-now wet notebook.

3.00 PM - The smell of wet crops and the sight of mud chasing the rainwater fills up my senses.

5. 00 PM - After taking an account of a host of things for over 2 hours, I came to the conclusion that 'Jyoti' is the preferred name for cinema halls in the region. Four of them had the same name!!

5.45 PM - By evening and a few meters into Karnataka state, the sun came out of the gray clouds and turned pale yellow. Perhaps it was practicing celestial regionalism too? Perhaps. The mild valleys were drenched in the sun, oozing yellow all over. The trees were solitary across the valleys, somewhat celebrating their loneliness; brimming with that comforting joy of being alone with the sun, perhaps because of the yellow caressing each leaf before it was time to bid goodbyes to the Sun.

6.20 PM - While passing a small, unnamed village, I spotted a bunch of pigs racing each other to splash and wallow in the village's 'drainage' canal. Nearby were men, with no seeming shame, performing their daily duties in full view for the voyeurs. "A bunch of lazy pigs," I thought.

6.50 PM - The clouds had gathered around the departing sun, as if to usher it out in a stately manner.

Funnily, throughout this journey more than 10 passengers had alighted the bus because of the seemingly exorbitant fare of Rs. 200 from Hyderabad to Gulbarga. That's the amount I had paid for the 'A/C Bus'. I wondered if they were being reasonable or if the bus conductor was fleecing me.

7.25 PM - Gulbarga outskirts - There seemed to be a Bandh for two days, allegedly because of the Hindu festival of Holi and Islamic festival of Id separated by just one day. One of my co-passengers told me Gulbarga has a strong sense of communalism and this Bandh was of a precautionary nature. The driver stopped a couple kilometers away from this big procession and asked all of us to alight. Fearing some trouble, most of the passengers got down. While I was getting down, the conductor was seen arguing with a senior citizen about the bus stopping way before its intended destination. The conductor gave back 10 rupees (this was when my doubts of being fleeced were confirmed)to the old man and asked him to stop annoying him. With a frown on my face, I caught an auto rickshaw and reached the bus station.

Some signboards at different highway eateries caught my attention: DHABBA, DABA, DHABAA, DALL FRI, etc.

Cheers!

Vidd.

If you're too puzzled by the most random of titles, let me explain. I had recently been invited to a random hobnob's party at an eclectic lifestyle hotel in Hyderabad. The host of the party was a singer in a slow-jazz, two-piece band which was playing at the same hotel.  One of the two members of the band was heading back to Australia after playing out his contract period.

The party started off with some of us playing games of pool with mock-wagers. The experience was fun, although I couldn't really hustle anyone for money at the game. :-D Thereafter, some guests left and the rest of us unknowns retreated to the singer's room to get a taste of some heady debauchery.

As the alcohol started flowing, the group of intellects who were sitting in a quaint corner discussing the randomness of life with their new-found intellectual muses, shed their hides and made conversation with the rest of the mortals, who were, oddly, all brown-skinned. It surprised me to see the manner in which the initial hesitance of the expats was shunned to freely dance and mingle with the Indian guests. By the end of the party, when most of us were highly inebriated, almost to the point of slurring, you could see a never-before met Indian business man exchanging numbers and e-mail ID's with a never-expecting-to-get laid-in-India single freshman from the US! I think I can safely assume that neither of them would even remember each other's names, considering the amount of rum gulped down that night!

Now, finally, coming to the reason behind the title. Most of the expats present were Australian, while the rest of us were all Indians. At the beginning of the party, the only discrimination that people were evidently making, as they did not know one another, was through the other person's skin colour. The way people of similar hides bunch up together and discuss 'their cultures'. While the Indians were very comfortable with their fellow desis, the whites were evidently feeling some discomfort and specifically reluctant about discussing any common controversies like Indian politics, Bollywood and most importantly, cricket. Of course, the statement is not intended to incriminate or hold anything against any of them, but just an observation. An observation which leads me to think that it is but human nature to discriminate, by colour, culture, physical appearance, sociability, etc.

"If I did not know 'white' from 'black', I'd not know of my 'grey' matter."

By Likes to Remain Anonymous

Cheers!

Vidd.

A couple of weeks ago, I was traveling by train from Bangalore to Hyderabad, my split homes. During the journey, I ran into a young chump, about 18 and blithely; studying aeronautical engineering and wanted to be a commercial pilot. It was quite unsettling to hear him talk about some of his deep-rooted worries in the first 20 minutes of our conversation. He was 5 feet and 6 inches, and wanted to increase it up to 6 feet so that he could become  I had to parry his desperate questions about increasing his height with positive and comforting answers like, "Of course, you're only 18, men grow till they are 22!" and "There is no way you won't be accepted with the enthusiasm you show towards flying!" You know, the usual display of camaraderie that happens in trains.

If you notice, conversations with strangers always present the bigger picture, leaving out the terribly confusing trivialities. Some say that life's mysteries are revealed in these details. Some others say that life is simple, without the details. When you actively participate in these conversations, they almost ALWAYS seem enriching and interesting until you snap out of it and feel that you might have made a fool out of yourself.

Through the course of the journey, the kid would follow me and ask me questions, all related to flying, being a pilot and growth hormones! I figured that when the kid goes home tomorrow, he would feel miserable about himself, desperately trying to get answers from a stranger who knows NOTHING about his desire of flying his plane. With that on my mind, and a wry smile, I bid good night to the town that the train was passing.

The train stopped early morning, and while I was getting down, still remembering the kid and his 'foolishness', someone came up to me and said, "Hi! I am XYZ's brother. He told me about your conversation with him last night, thanks!" For a moment, I stood dazed. Then it hit me that the kid not only felt good after the conversation, he also told his brother about it! I suddenly saw hope in the kid's eyes and saw much more depth in my words! I big my goodbyes on the platform and this time, with a hug, I truly appreciated his desire and wished him the best with his future plans.

Moments like these are constant reminders that all that people around us want are reassuring words, even if it means that you lie through your teeth. Each one of us is scared...of loneliness and we would do anything to garner some attention, just  to gain comfort in the superficial sympathies offered to us by strangers.

I have many more happenings to fill you up on in the past two weeks, and I will when I am able to make some sense out of them. Till then, practice safe sex, unless you want to have kids with SHORT-comings. Seems to be the season, so wanted to keep you forewarned. :-D

Cheers!

Vidd.